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Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Venting

Sorry it has been so long without an update. I used to complain I was busy. I look back now and laugh at my past idea of busy. My past ideas of exhausted. I'm ready to give my two weeks on life and go to the Bahamas or something. I think my body, spirit and mind need to recover from the traumatic past three weeks. Unfortunately I told my work I only needed two weeks of Leave of Absence. I need like six... but we need money. Not only do I need a "LOA" from work... but I need one from life.
Anyway- I'm blogging because it's one in the morning and Im working (while blogging). And I have two more hours to go. And when I get off in two hours Jayden will wake up four hours later... Well rested, happy, and full of energy. And I will be a zombie. And I'll make breakfast for Jayden. And then for Ryan. And make sure Ryan takes his pills. And I'll feed the dog, and the cats, and the fish. And then I'll clean up from feeding everyone.
Then I will feel guilty because Jayden's diaper probably will not have been changed... and I haven't been able to give him our typical morning one on one time cause I've had to take care of everything else. And eventually he will go down for a nap. Unfortunately that's the only time I can give Ryan a shower. Even though I really just want to sleep. And a shower takes over an hour because I have to stop the IV, then cover all the bandages in plastic... then clean Ryan up... then dry him off... when all is said and done Jayden will be awake. And I will cry because I really just want to sleep.
... but it will be lunch time. And I need to change IVs, and make phone calls... and find out why our insurance isn't covering certain procedures. And they'll tell me and I'll forget cause Im pretty sure my mind is going to explode if I get any more information.
I'm going to need strength this week. And I certainly am not going to get it on my own. I pray God will help carry me through the next... I don't even want to think how long. I'm stressed. And Im overwhelmed. And Im just feeling like I can't handle much more. I'm tired. And this is all probably much worse just cause Im tired.

...sigh... New direction

Ryan is doing better. He looks tons better from last week. I think he's getting better everyday. His short term memory is still lacking. And it always make me cringe when he asks me the same question in the duration of an hour because it reminds me that things aren't okay. I know it's frustrating for him too, but he's being such a trooper. He is trying his best to help me out and I love him for it. I know this is so hard for him, but he is handling it well. I certainly do love him. I can't wait for him to get better.
We have some follow up Dr. appointments in a week. I think he'll have another MRI sometime this month. The reason for his "condition" is still unknown. It's being argued between Neurologists and Cardiologists. The Neurologists want to start him on blood thinners, however Im a bit weary about doing that. We'll see what happens!
I think the biggest thing for me to learn from this trial is that I can't do this all by myself. I have to rely on others. On God. That's hard for me. I'm still not at that point... Sorry this post is so... everywhere. Im really tired!!! :) Random thoughts and feelings.
All in all, things are going well. Ryan is doing better. We feel very blessed.

8 comments:

Clement Clan said...

Not much I can say I'm sure to make you feel better, except that we love you and this will not last forever. Keep the faith sweet girl... and that Bahamas trip will be yours someday and it will be well deserved. Your Father In Heaven loves you and thru Him is the only way you can make it.

Amy said...

Can I come relieve you tonight? It sounds like a lot of this is stuff only you can do (IVs, showering, etc.) but if I can take Jayden for a while tonight could you get a nap? Could you get away and do something you really want to do? Is there ANYTHING I can do to help? If you can't leave, can I bring you something? What's your favorite flavor of Ben & Jerry's? I'm so sorry. So so sorry. Call me or e-mail me and let me know how I can help. (amy.egbert@gmail.com)

Caprene said...

Do you watch Greys Anatomy? If so, do you remember when Izzy lost her memory in last season's finale and it was bugging Alex, so he just wrote out questions and answers at put them on the end of her bed? You should put a markerboard near Ryan and write out his most frequent questions and the answers. Just like they did on TV. You can look back and laugh at it someday =)

Kelley family said...

hi tiffany-I know its hard but its ok that you rely on others! Just because they have already done so much doesnt mean they cant help more. If you knew someone in your situation you would help in a heart beat!!!! I soooooo wish we were closer so I could help out, but put your burdens on Heavenly Father and use the people around you as often as possible. We love you and am so glad Ryan is getting a little better everyday. YOu can do this!

dave + kirst said...

I diddo what everyone else has written (about the white board and knowing that putting our burdens on our Heavenly Father etc), ALSO I diddo wanting to help you in any way possible!! Can Dave and I take care of Jayden some night so you can just relax with Ryan? Or maybe Dave and I hang out with Jayden and Ryan so you can go get a message or something? :D Please don't NOT ask me for help because you shouldn't deprive me of those blessings ;D

Rachel said...

I agree. I like helping because I need blessings too! In fact, I'll fight Kirsten for them.

Erik and Katherine said...

Hey Tiff, my offer still stands to help with anything, especially nursing stuff like IV changes etc. Erik and I are both pros at giving showers as well (eriks dad has ALS so we're good at it!) so let us help if we can.

Chris and Tara said...

I just want to tell you how happy I am that everyone still wants to help you. I love you tons and tons.