12:22 am

Work is slow. I'm trying to avoid the temptation of VTO (Voluntary Time Off). I don't have much to blog about. That's a good thing I think! ... Don't worry I'll come up with something.

Jayden is still sick. He has been sick since Ryan was in the hospital. But what he is sick with seems to be changing. He had that yucky cough... and then it turned into bad asthma. With the asthma he got a secondary infection and had a runny nose and consistent fever. Now he has that stupid cough again and hasn't kept food down all day. He has been running a fever every night for the last week. I have gone through a whole bottle of baby Motrin. I'm feeling very guilty about that. His bottom two molars are coming in and one side of his gums is two times the size of the other side. I'm not sure if this is normal, or if his gums are infected. Those teeth have been trying to come up for a month.
He's a trooper. Despite fevers and not being able to sleep he has been such a good guy. I've spent many nights with him rocking and praying that whatever is wrong with him will just go away. I don't know why he gets so sick so often when fall and winter come. They say breastfed baby's are more healthy. Psssh! Whatever!
...Yeah I'm still breastfeeding at 15 months. He was almost weaned and losing interest right before Ryan went the hospital. I thought for sure I would lose my milk supply because of all the stress. But nope. And Jayden just wanted to breastfeed more. I figured it was an attachment thing. And I knew he was stressed so I let him. Now he's sick, and sometimes it's the only thing he'll eat/drink. Ugh, I feel like a cow.
He's certainly growing like a weed. He understands what we say to him which is really cool. We can tell him to do things "Get your shoes" "Go kiss daddy" "Tough your nose, mouth ears..." "Put away your toys" ... and he understands us. I know every child learns these things, but it's so neat to watch your baby grow. He is saying a lot of words. HE LOVES talking on cell phones. It's his passion in life. And EVERYTHING is a telephone to him... he'll put the object up to his ear and will go 15 minutes straight just talking on the phone. It's funny cause Ryan and I don't talk on the phone very much.
Here are some pictures of our little guy that make me smile :)






In other news, Ryan got his picc line removed on Monday. He had been carrying around the IV for six weeks! He was soooo excited to get it out. I thought the man purse he always carried around was quite fashionable:


It carried something like

And this is how it was put it in him. When she took it out it seemed like she kept pulling and pulling and pulling


I guess it went up to the heart. For some reason neither of us realized that. My attention to detail (or lack of) scares me sometimes.

Just to reiterate... I know I do every time... BUT we feel so blessed to have such amazing family and friends. Thank you for helping us :) You know who you are. We hope someday we're able to return the favor. We feel so blessed and hope you're blessed. Thank you. It's almost impossible to feel down with all the support we've received. Thank you.

And as you can tell from the pictures above... Jayden was a tiger for Halloween. He enjoyed the first part of trick or treating. He was a little overwhelmed but enjoyed taking candy and putting it in his bag. He and I ended up calling it quite early since neither of us were feeling very well so daddy went and partied without us... haha :) It was fun. And he is always opening our pantry door to go through his stash. Just like his mama. :)

Odds and Ends

More updates :) And some pictures...

Jayden is doing much better. Those steroids for asthma worked like a charm. However now he has a horrible rash and Im wondering if it's related?? It also made him SUPER hyper. It was like ADHD X10. He's starting to get a runny nose.. but I can handle that. :) That's ALL I want to deal with.

Ryan is getting better everyday. He gets his IV taken out on Saturday which he is REALLY looking forward to. He just put together a computer, and we're very proud of him :) Thank you inlaws for providing him with those hours of entertainment.

I haven't heard from workman's comp OR the HR person at Ryan's job. I should probably call and follow up... I just don't have the motivation. Im in the middle of a work week so my motivation, on a scale from 1 to 10 is like a 3. Im getting these medical bills for 1,000 dollars... 600 dollars. Claims being denied.. and I'm totally tossing them aside saying "Eh, I'll deal with this later." My old self would be freaking out. My new self is okay with that. Yay for the new me.

I can finally say: Im okay. I really am. No, we're not in a great situation right now. But I am glad we're in THIS situation and not dealing with being a single mom. I'm so glad Ryan is alive. The more we talk to Doctor's the clearer it is that he shouldn't be alive. This is a miracle. And I am so grateful. All three of us are alive, currently healthy, and I think (hope!) we appreciate each other a lot more. I feel so blessed. Family and friends are amazing... I'm feeling like a broken record.

When Ryan came out of open heart surgery he looked SICK. They had this huge IV thing in his neck... you may want to skip these pictures:



Gross, huh?
Anyway- here he sits... everyday. Ryan's grandma gave us one of those electronic lift recliner things. He used to sleep there every night. But in the last couple of days has joined me in the bed. It's finally getting the point that his chest doesn't hurt to lay down



Last Saturday we had a ward Halloween party. It was a lot of fun and Jayden did trunk or treating for the first time. I sure love this boy:






And we carved some pumpkins for the FIRST TIME EVER since Ryan and I have been married. Jayden enjoyed eating the pumpkin. I made Ryan and Jayden with my pumpkins and Ryan made some evil thing

Two down... one to go?

Today has been the day from HECK. I did initially swear- but then I deleted it :) It has been a bad long day. And I want to be in bad. Really really bad. But Im trying to work... TRYING. I turned on my computer and instead of loading up all my programs I turned it off again. Without even thinking. Hopefully I dont accidentally delete someones flight. Anyway- I'll blog to help keep me a wake. Keep in mind, once again, Im tired.
Sunday night Jayden's cough was getting really really consistent. I was up all night with him. I had to get off work and just hold him. He was throwing up phlegm... On top of that- APPARENTLY 'Salad Supreme' has milk and cheese in it. It's a seasoning.. it never even occur ed to me to check the ingredients before I tossed it in the Pasta salad we had for dinner. So he had a major allergic reaction. Eye lids swelling up. His breathing got all crazy... I was so confused- but I knew it couldnt be an allergic reaction because I "knew" he hadn't had any dairy. Eventually I figured it out. I felt so bad. And so guilty. And I assumed the "worsening cough" was due to the fact that I almost killed him. Im a bad mom. Im so mad at myself.

Like I said Sunday night he was coughing all night so I called the new pediatrician (our old one moved to Oregon.. thanks for the reference Catherine!) and they said they could see him that morning. I got there and everyone was wearing face masks... and looked miserable. Moms looked stressed out... Kids tired and sick. Jayden at that time was coughing, but full of energy. Someone in our ward had suggested his cough sounded like asthma so I wasnt too worried about him since he seemed to have plenty of energy. Although his breathing was a bit labored.
He was diagnosed with asthma. They gave us an aero chamber mask:

you attatch the inhaler on one end... cover the nose and mouth with the other... AND you're supposed to keep it on his face for two minutes. Ever tried to cover a 15 month old nose and mouth for two minutes? Jayden would not do it. And his cough got worse and worse. His breathing... worse and worse.

Which brings us to today. Jayden was up again.. all night. I slept maybe 2 1/2- 3 hours since I was really worried about him. He was throwing up and his breathing sounded awful. I had to put his head between my knees, and hold his arms with one hand while spraying the inhaler with the other. Torture. For both of us.
First thing in the morning I called the pediatrician office to tell them that Jayden wouldnt take the inhaler and we would need to use a nebulizer (sp?). They told me I could come pick one up.
Then I check my email, and Ryan's job has FINALLY sent me Cobra applications so I now have NINE days to fill out, apply, and become approved for Cobra before our deadline is up and we will be insurable for a YEAR. WE CANT DO THAT. I don't have that much time. An added stress.
Jayden wouldnt eat breakfast... wouldnt eat lunch. I picked up the nebulizer machine but they told me the medicine for it couldn't be called into the pharmacy until that afternoon. Jayden was really sick by this point with a high fever.
I tried calling to workmans comp lady to find out why nothing has gone through yet. I wanted to know if she needed any other information. In the three hours I tried calling her 8 times. She never answered her phone. And here's the kicker: she doesn't have voicemail.
.... Fast forward to two o clock. My mom comes over to watch Jayden since I had to take Ryan to a DR's appt. Ryan appointment was at 3:45 at the U... I left the house around 2:15 to pick up the prescription that had been called in two hours prior. The pharmacy told me they prescription had not been filled because the stinkin guy didn't see Jayden in the system. They told me to wait ten minutes. I came back ten minutes later- they said to wait another ten. After being there a half hour they tell me that theyre out of the medication for Jayden- but they would have it tomorrow. I knew Jayden was getting sicker and sicker so I drove to another Smiths.

Got to Smiths and they told me it would be ten minutes to download Jayden's file before they could fill the scrip. At that point I was able to get in touch with the workman's comp lady. She is a beast. Child of evil evil evil. I have never talked to anyone so mean in my entire life. To sum it up- she called me a liar. She accused me of withholding medical records. Told me she was going to deny my claim- and then corrected herself (I dont think she was allowed to say that quite yet). She said that it was suspicious that Ryan was hospitalized the same day we went camping... Ryan got his stitches taken out, AND came home sick from work. I dont know where she got her information. Ryan and I went camping on aUGUST 21st. The same day Ryan got cut at work. Two weeks later the stitches were removed. 2 weeks later he was hospitalized. Her information was completely false- and I tried to explain that to her- but she wouldnt stop cutting me off and accusing me of all these insane untrue things....

(Background on workmans comp: We are attempting to file for WC because it is believed that the cut that Ryan got at work was how this infection entered his blood. The infection built a home in the left ventricle of his heart... and then pieces of the puss were breaking off- going to the brain causing the stroke. The mass that was removed... that was thought to be a tumor was actually a HUGE abscess of infection.)

Anyway- she wouldn't tell me what Medical Records she wanted. She just kept saying she wanted ALL of them. I told her I thought she had all of them- but she didn't believe me. Whatever. Typically under circumstances such as that I would cry. But I was so angry. And didn't have time to cry.

We were late for Ryan's Dr appt. But in summary: They won't start him on blood thinnners but want him to take an aspirin a day since it appears he might be prone to clotting. They said it was thought to IMPOSSIBLE for an infection to make it's home in the left vent. of the heart because it is continuously pumping and cleaning itself out. She told Ryan and I that she- and all the other Dr's were SURE he was going to die. They had his name in red- because he wasn't expected to make it. She said she had never seen anything like that before... Dr's were taking pictures of the surgery with their "I phones" She said they have shown it to every Dr under the sun and no one can believe Ryan made it through that surgery alive. MIRACLE!!

Speaking of miracles... we got home from the appointment and Jayden's fever was at 102. My mom said she had given him Motrin but it just wasn't working. His breathing was really awful and he was so out of it. I called the Dr's who told me to bring him in right away since Davis county was being saturated with the swine flu virus. When we got there Jayden oxygen percentage was 86%... it's supposed to be 100% . They weren't going to let us go home. I prayed really hard. Ryan prayed really hard. After two nebulizer treatments, steroids, and motrin. His oxygen level was up to 93% and they let us go home. He doesn't have any type of flu. They can't explain his fever... but I say it's just a miracle that he's home... and breathing a little bit better. So we're home... and Im now working... but I gave away hours for the rest of the week. We need money... especially since sweet workmans comp lady said she was going to stretch this out till the 4th of Nov. Which means no money coming in till the fourth. Witch. And they'll probably deny the claim.. and we'll have to get a lawyer which will stretch it out even more. Once again.... witch. URGH!!!
I need my sanity. So we can just live in a cardboard box as long as I can sleep a little the next couple of days. I have to given Jayden his 15 minute treatment every four hours... Im looking forward to the day where I can sleep more than 3 hours at a time. Lord help me.

Well... I'd like to say I feel better. But I don't. This post wasn't very well thought out. I think I just need sleep. Im starting to run a fever and I can't afford to get sick right now.

Quick Update

Ryan had a follow up Dr. Appointment with the Cardiologist today. They did a chest xray and found some fluid "sort of" in his legs. He said, "The fluid is not IN your lungs but it is in the area your lungs are." Too bad I'm not remembering anything from those Anatomy classes I took. Anyway- the Dr didn't seem too worried about it. They are giving him some medication that will make him pee a lot- and they're hoping he'll just pee out the fluid. I don't know how you pee out fluid in your lung area. But apparently... You can.
So Ryan has passed his Physical Therapy. They no longer come to the home since Ryan seems to be doing just fine on his own. Same with Occupational Therapy. The Speech Therapist who helps Ryan with his memory said she doesn't think she needs to come anymore. His memory, although not PERFECT, has gotten so much better. Everyone is SHOCKED about how quickly he is recovering. And I know it's due to all those prayers.. so THANK YOU!
As far as returning back to work.. a tentative date is December or January. Of course... right around Christmas. Gurr. I think this year I'll be making all my gifts. I'll try anyway. Luckily Jayden is young and doesn't know the difference so that makes me feel peaceful about the whole lack of Santa this year :). It sucks but considering everything we have been through. Im just grateful that we'll all be together- and honestly nothing else matters.
Still no word on Disability or Workers Comp. I'm starting to get nervous. We're okay right now... but won't be in a few weeks. I'm trying not to think about that and I'm hoping everything will just work out. I don't have the energy to freak out about anything. :) I know it'll work out. I didn't know it would be such a long process. Jayden has his well check appt next Wednesday and I'll get some more diabetic supplies before our insurance is gone at the end of the month.... Not that our insurance covers that much to begin with. Stupid insurance. Maybe I should go full time? ... Yeah I can't.
We're plugging along. Im doing better. Getting into a schedule and I can change an IV now in two minutes. (I hope Im doing it right). Ryan can now shower by himself. He's still sleeping in that recliner. When he comes back to bed it's going to be hard sharing it. I have been sleeping smack dab in the middle every night. Poor Ryan.
Oh one more thing... Ryan went to three hours of church on Sunday!! What a stinkin pro :) I was so proud of him. He even sat in a bench.

:) Sorry

With my last post I wasn't meaning to call out for help or make anyone feel burdened to help. Writing is very therapeutic for me. And sticking it out in the world wide web... Maybe not such a good idea. :)
Today (technically yesterday) was a better day. I felt like I had more strength. I prayed for strength... and I got it. So maybe I shouldn't be so stubborn?
I feel better today. I am happier. I know things will get easier with time. And I have that to look forward to. Jayden was an angel today and made me laugh all day long. We sure are blessed to have such an easy going guy. I love both my boys with all my heart.
I sure like to sleep. But I know you can survive on little sleep. And people do it all the time. And I can too.
I just want to say I love all of you. Thank you for caring. For worrying about us. For wanting to help. For praying. It really helps us. And we appreciate it so much. If there was one good thing to come out of this whole thing it was to feel this amazing love from others and have an appreciation we have never felt before. Thank you :) ... We're praying for God to bless you many times daily so don't be surprised... you know- Im just saying... if things start turning out really good for you. ;)

Venting

Sorry it has been so long without an update. I used to complain I was busy. I look back now and laugh at my past idea of busy. My past ideas of exhausted. I'm ready to give my two weeks on life and go to the Bahamas or something. I think my body, spirit and mind need to recover from the traumatic past three weeks. Unfortunately I told my work I only needed two weeks of Leave of Absence. I need like six... but we need money. Not only do I need a "LOA" from work... but I need one from life.
Anyway- I'm blogging because it's one in the morning and Im working (while blogging). And I have two more hours to go. And when I get off in two hours Jayden will wake up four hours later... Well rested, happy, and full of energy. And I will be a zombie. And I'll make breakfast for Jayden. And then for Ryan. And make sure Ryan takes his pills. And I'll feed the dog, and the cats, and the fish. And then I'll clean up from feeding everyone.
Then I will feel guilty because Jayden's diaper probably will not have been changed... and I haven't been able to give him our typical morning one on one time cause I've had to take care of everything else. And eventually he will go down for a nap. Unfortunately that's the only time I can give Ryan a shower. Even though I really just want to sleep. And a shower takes over an hour because I have to stop the IV, then cover all the bandages in plastic... then clean Ryan up... then dry him off... when all is said and done Jayden will be awake. And I will cry because I really just want to sleep.
... but it will be lunch time. And I need to change IVs, and make phone calls... and find out why our insurance isn't covering certain procedures. And they'll tell me and I'll forget cause Im pretty sure my mind is going to explode if I get any more information.
I'm going to need strength this week. And I certainly am not going to get it on my own. I pray God will help carry me through the next... I don't even want to think how long. I'm stressed. And Im overwhelmed. And Im just feeling like I can't handle much more. I'm tired. And this is all probably much worse just cause Im tired.

...sigh... New direction

Ryan is doing better. He looks tons better from last week. I think he's getting better everyday. His short term memory is still lacking. And it always make me cringe when he asks me the same question in the duration of an hour because it reminds me that things aren't okay. I know it's frustrating for him too, but he's being such a trooper. He is trying his best to help me out and I love him for it. I know this is so hard for him, but he is handling it well. I certainly do love him. I can't wait for him to get better.
We have some follow up Dr. appointments in a week. I think he'll have another MRI sometime this month. The reason for his "condition" is still unknown. It's being argued between Neurologists and Cardiologists. The Neurologists want to start him on blood thinners, however Im a bit weary about doing that. We'll see what happens!
I think the biggest thing for me to learn from this trial is that I can't do this all by myself. I have to rely on others. On God. That's hard for me. I'm still not at that point... Sorry this post is so... everywhere. Im really tired!!! :) Random thoughts and feelings.
All in all, things are going well. Ryan is doing better. We feel very blessed.

Thank You

I don't know how to begin this. And I certainly don't know how to end this post.
I have been in kind of a daze all evening wondering how to put into words what I am feeling. I wish the words "Thank You" had some magic power that could truly make you understand how grateful I am. They're just words.

We feel so loved. So blessed. So supported. Thank you.

Our neighborhood (which although someday we may need a larger home, I don't know if I could ever leave now) had a bake sale to help us cover the medical expenses. I told Ryan and he asked me "Why? Why do people care about us so much?" And I couldn't answer. I don't know. I am in complete awe of the service and sacrifice that so many people contributed to, and for us?

I don't know who all helped. And I wish I could get a name of every single person and write you each individually a note. So someday we could somehow repay you. I don't think I'll ever know... but I beg of you- if you ever need it.. PLEASE let us serve you.

We love you. We truly do love you. Thank you for being our friends. Thank you for supporting us. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for your time, for your generosity. Thank you for stopping by- for your hugs.. your texts your concerns. Our lives have been changed. And please allow us to serve you.

Thank you to my mom who drives nearly everyday 100 miles to watch Jayden while I stay with Ryan in the hospital. And my Grandma, Grandpa and Aunt who drive from Mapleton to give my mom a break. And thank you to our sweet neighbor who takes over when my mom has to leave and has watched him nearly everyday so he can have consistency. Thank you for the food. The money. The prayers and thoughts. To my inlaws who go visit Ryan everyday so he's not lonely when I have to go back home to take care of Jayden. Thank you for your offers of help. Thanks for the bake sale. For opening up an account for donations. Thank you to everyone who spent the time making baked goods and to those who bought them and contributed.

I am overwhelmed. I'm sorry if I sound cheesy or repetitive. I'm sorry if I didn't thank you well enough. I don't feel like I have. I feel like this is not enough. Please tell me if you need anything. I can clean and watch kids... and book flights. And I have a few buddy passes if you need to fly somewhere. And Ryan can do handy man stuff (even without short term memory... I'll help). I know not everyone reads my blog so if you know someone who helped please pass on my appreciation.

Thank You
Thank You
Thank You

We do not deserve this.