Friday, September 25, 2009


Sorry there hasn't been an update in a while. I have been so tired.. and so blah.

Ryan is in a rehabilitation center in Sandy called Health South.. or South Health? Something like that? He seems to be getting better every day. He has been taking cognitive tests and where yesterday he could only remember up to three things- today he could remember four.

I was in the room when they were giving him this test. It was kind of depressing to me. They asked him to tell them every animal he could think of. And he could only come up with 8 animals. He seems perfectly fine.. but then they ask these questions and it's hard. It's hard because two weeks ago Ryan would have just laughed at those questions. And now he's just trying to get his brain back.

Everyone keeps telling me Im so strong. Asking me how I do it. How am I so calm? I dont think reality has ever completely set in. I take it one day at a time but I try hard not to think about the future. Try not to think about the past. Just focus on one day at a time. I think it has been my coping method. I have to be strong for Jayden. And I have to be strong for Ryan as he is finally comprehending (Somewhat) what has happened.

Last night around midnight I was laying in bed. And there wasn't anyone around that I needed to be strong for. And I was alone. And reality creeped it's way into my head. I miss Ryan. I miss him next to me in bed. I miss not having any concerns about his health.
I love him. And I should have been a better wife. I should have appreciated everything he did more. Because now he can't. And Im struggling with that.
I don't know if he'll ever be completely back to normal. And that scares me. I just want everything to go back to normal. If life could just go back to Sunday September 13th- I would have appreciated that day so much more. If we could go back to Monday... I wish I had known what was going on with his body. I should have paid more attention to him being sick instead of just leaving him be. He probably had a stroke at home and I didn't even know it. I wasn't there. I was just cleaning the house. Tending to Jayden. And I was resenting the Ryan was in bed sick because I had to do everything by myself. And now I feel really selfish.
I don't need reassurance. I know time can't be turned back. I know that "I never could have known". I've learned from this. And if things ever do return to normal- I will appreciate it more. I just miss him so much. Not just his presence in our home- but the old Ryan. The Ryan before the stroke. I want him back.

So updates thus far:
I mentioned he is doing better mentally. Physically he is starting to be a bit more mobile. He can't use his arms at all for the next 2 months. But he has walked like 500 feet. And he can stand for longer periods of time.
The pathology report came back. I don't know if I written this before but the Cardiologist Drs had said it DEFINITELY was not a clot. Even after the removed it- they called it a tumor. So I was a little surprised when the report actually came back saying it was indeed a blood clot. A blood clot, covered in infection inside and out. That whole area of the heart was inflamed because of the infection which is why the removed some of the wall of the heart. And its still confirmed that it's not cancerous.
Apparently Ryan has something in his blood that makes him prone to blood clots. They want to start him on blood thinners but won't start until Monday or Tuesday because they are worried about bleeding in the brain which would cause further brain damage. The Dr. said it's a fine line because they want to prevent clots AND they want to prevent brain damage. And they can't really do both. I'm very apprehensive about him being on blood thinner because risks are high when you're on them. You bleed more.. and longer. If you get some head damage you're a goner because you're brain is SO likely to bleed in your blood is thin. I wish I had the education that a Doctor has. Would I make the same decision?
Ryan wants to come home. I understand. I know he's lonely and bored there. I try to visit him as much as I can but it's only for a few hours a day. I have been watching the Physical, Occupational, and Speech therapists and they don't do anything that I couldn't do with Ryan at home. They want him to stay till next Saturday. I may decide to have him come home earlier. Just so we can try to get in some sort of routine before I start work again. I think I'll wait till Sunday or Monday and then make a decision. I'd be fine with in home care. Or driving Ryan to some place to do this therapy. I just want to do whatever is best for him.
Ryan only got paid half a paycheck today. Im freaking out a little because I thought he would get his PTO and he didn't. I called his HR person in NJ and they said they thought it would too. The panic in that sense it starting. Luckily thanks to some amazing neighbors we don't need to worry about groceries for a little while. I cannot believe the generosity of people. Thank you.

I'm sorry this is turning into a novel. When people ask me how things are I give the routine answers.. And here Im pouring my soul. But I feel better :)
Maybe next time someone asks I'll give them my blog address... if you REALLY want to know... :)

Anyway- have a good weekend! It may be the last weekend with warm weather!


Kristen and Tyson Cramer said...

Tiffany, thanks for being so open about all of this and what you are going through. These are the types of stories you typically read about years later and the personal struggles and day to day feelings seem to drop out of the stories. Just reading about all of this sure makes me want to be a better wife! Thanks for the inspiration during your time of struggle.

Again, if you ever run out of willing helpers around the corner, let me know. I'd be happy to help with Jayden, housework, or anything else.

jamirodana said...

Thanks for the update and sharing your thoughts and your experiences. You are awesome!
I drive by and always look at your house wondering if you are there and what the latest is but I don't want to bother you.
I'm home most days if you want me to take Jayden so you can visit Ryan:)

3 Men and a Mama said...

Hey I'm in draper close to health south, so if u want to bring Jayden to me, or whatever, let me know. Glad to know he's doing a little better each day.

Stephenson and Katie said...

Thanks for the update, I think about you guys all the time so it's good to know how things are going. I'm glad you are so open with your feelings- you are so amazing tiff, such an inspiration to me- everyone keeps telling you that you are so strong because you ARE!
Love you guys!!!

Kelley Family said...

tiffany I know i personally dont know you very well but phil loves you and your family. I love your updates. I love the truth. I think so many times we go through life just saying what we want people to hear, "oh he's fine....he is getting his memory back etc" but the truth of it, is it sucks! I have never been in your shoes, but when kurtis was in the NICU i felt my life was over, and i felt like no one knew what i was talking about nor did i want to hear, oh its a trial and we can handle all trials....I hated hearing that (i dont know if you hear hear that?) trials are hard and there is no way gettng around that. my heart goes out to you, as i read your update I felt your sorrow of being alone, this is my biggest fear. Take this time for you to heal from this tragedy. These quiet times are hard but good for the soul. It may not seem like it but you are strong. I can just tell from how you write=honest and open. Thank you for sharing your pain with all of us. Its good to get it out! We are thinking of you and your family.

dave + kirst said...

Oh Tiff! I don't know what you're going through exactly but my heart goes out to you. You and Ryan are such incredible people and Dave and I would do anything for you so please let us know if we can!

Clement Clan said...

Just sending luv your way. I know there is nothing I can say to make u feel better, but we all fasted for u today. The song that comes to mind is... I need thee every hour. Rely on your Savior as he will be the only one who can truly get you thru

Clement Clan said...

Just sending luv your way. I know there is nothing I can say to make u feel better, but we all fasted for u today. The song that comes to mind is... I need thee every hour. Rely on your Savior as he will be the only one who can truly get you thru

Emily said...

This story astounds me, I am amazed with your ability to cope with it all. I don't really know what to say other than we love you guys and we are praying for you.