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Saturday, September 19, 2009

Bad Day

I'm about hit my breaking point. Im burnt out.
Had to take Jayden to insta care today. They told me not to worry. Told me he was at the end of whatever virus. Told me he has asthma. Interesting. Why does he have a fever. How many time will he get up tonight?

Ryan doing worse today. He was doing so good yesterday. Today he wouldnt even talk. Didn't even acknowledge me at first. Somethings wrong. I dont know what it is but there is something wrong. Nurses make me mad.

I dont know if I can handle much more. I feel guilty. Guilty for not being there enough for my crying son. Or for my sick husband.

But I better go tend to my crying son.

**Edit** 10:45

Not all nurses make me mad. Some of the nurses have been absolutely incredible. Im sure because we've made it to the fourth floor it's much harder for the nurses to be on top of things since they have so many patients.

Sorry for being so negative. I'm just tired. Ryan's alive. Dr's said they honestly didnt think he would make it through the surgery alive. He did. I need to be more grateful.

15 comments:

Marianne said...

So, so sorry Tiff. The prayers are still coming. We love you.

jamirodana said...

You have every right to complain my dear. You have been through a lot lately. You are tired too. I'm never happy when I'm tired.
I hope tomorrow is a much better day:) We are still praying for you and your little family.

Amy said...

You've every right to be mad, sad, hurt, lonely, tired, and expressing it. We love you!

Jackie said...

You can handle it. We all have bad days, and yesterday was just a bad day. You will make it through, because the Lord is on your side! Sorry to hear that Jayden is sick as well. I'm sure Ryan will be touch and go for a while - with every step forward, it is two steps back, right? Remember that you are strong, and you have many, many people praying for you guys. We love you!

tracylayne said...

You are only one woman Tiff...You are doing all you can do, no guilt necessary. I would be a wreck and you are handling all of this with more grace than I have in my whole body. You're an amazing woman and you have hundreds of people praying for you and your family. We love you!

Malerie Walker said...

you are amazing.
having negative moments is all part of a trial, you're not bad or wrong for being negative. you're going through A LOT right now. i pray that happy/not as stressful times are soon.

Nate, Monique and Haven said...

You're not being negative. You're being real. That was the first thing that Nate said when he read your blog, "Tiffany is so real!". With any recovery, there are good days, not-so-good days, and shitty days (pardon my words for those that get offended). You are handling it far better than most. Far better than I would! The Lord knows who you are and what you are going through. The atonement is not just for sin. It's for all affliction in any manner. Any manner of affliction. Any kind of pain or heartache. The Lord loves you. So do your friends!

Linzy said...

I hope Jayden did ok for you last night! Poor little guy.

Rudi said...

I am so sorry to hear what you're going through, how scared you must be. Allow yourself to have those moments of guilt and anger and sadness. But let them only be moments. I will say a prayer for you and Ryan and Jayden.

J Scott Savage said...

I echo what everyone else has said. It's perfectly okay to be angry and grateful at the same time.

Jed and Sabrina said...

Oh Tiff, I'm sorry to hear this, I can only imagine the sadness you feel in not having him acknowledge his own wife, and than going home to a sick sleepless child. You are in the middle of a huge trial in your live's right now. Just know that the Lord doesn't give you anything you can't handle...and this you are doing well. You will all make it through this, stronger because of it. You are a strong woman for doing all you are doing, there are many people praying, fasting, and reaching out to you. It can be so hard to accept help from people being a woman/mom thinking you can do it all alone...Please call me it makes me sad to know what your going through, so let me help you with whatever you need. I'm here!

Brady and Gretchen said...

Tiff, you are such a strong woman! I don't know how I would be able to handle ONE of the things that have been thrown at you, let alone all of them. You are truly and example and in no way should you feel guilty. Being mad, upset, confused...those are all real things. If you didn't feel that way I would start to wonder :) Keep it up, we are praying for you and won't stop. Love you :)

Brady and Gretchen said...

Tiff, you are such a strong woman! I don't know how I would be able to handle ONE of the things that have been thrown at you, let alone all of them. You are truly and example and in no way should you feel guilty. Being mad, upset, confused...those are all real things. If you didn't feel that way I would start to wonder :) Keep it up, we are praying for you and won't stop. Love you :)

Gordon and Robyn said...

all of Tara's family in Cache Valley are praying for your family too. You guys are really loved.

Freeman Family said...

There really isn't anything that any of us can say to make the guilt, heartache, frustration and anger go away. It is what it is... and it is the hardest thing you have ever gone through. I can't relate, but I do know you. I know you are an amazing woman. You have undeniable faith, love and you are one of the most chritable people I have ever met. Let those of us around you that love take as much of the burden as we can, and the Lord will take the rest. Please, let me know when I can take Jayden for a while to give you some time. Love you, and sending my prayers...